Discord has served as my main source of sociality—although I used to use Omegle coming out of high school, it had too many horny guys and short conversations, and eventually was shut down anyway. On Discord, I usually used an androgynous profile picture, specifically an untitled work by the Master of the Drapery Studies, and did not specify my gender in the pronouns page. Many people assumed I was male, and some of them used male pronouns for me—I figure it was due both to the inherent imbalance of genders online and my stiff, AI-like manner of speaking.
I think that may be one reason why I have difficulty perceiving genders. Society tells me that “females” regularly get harassed online for sexist and sexual reasons, so it logically follows that if I do not get harassed then I am presumably not female enough. That was one of the reasons I decided to consciously present as a female (“femcel”) online, even changing my profile pic between two 葬色 works (1, 2, which probably appeared androgynous to most people considering I zoomed in). My main experience is in my own server, but I also hopped around several Disboard servers.
I don’t think that anybody treated me differently for being female. There were a few spammers, as well as a few people with extremist views, but those are both to be expected in the average Discord server. There was one person who sent pics of his muscular body before saying that I had zero potential for being too dry, but I feel like the philosophical undertones of our conversation implied he was primarily expressing some Nietzschean ideal instead of trying to flirt. The only person who asked me to be his girlfriend did that by sending a copypasta, so I assume he was a troll despite his claims otherwise. I didn’t get a single dick pic.
In other words, I find it hard to understand why there are so many articles about girls and young women being mistreated online. I found it even harder to converse with people who had trauma from online abuse and even grooming. I suggested to them that perhaps I just stay away from any server that markets itself as toxic or sexual, as well as stuff like sh/ed (self-harm/eating-disorder), preferring instead to focus on more scholarly and casual servers. However, attributing it to selection bias feels a little uncritical. Is it possible that I’m simply not attractive enough?
I have always been aware that I speak differently from others. Most notably, I often use or fall back on formal grammar and complex terminology when speaking with others, in part because I’m worried about misunderstandings. On a structural level, multiple people have seriously suggested that I’m an AI because of the way I organise my thoughts into distinct threads (which is why I don’t use bullet points). Although I’ve tried to “dumb down” my thoughts, cutting them into smaller pieces for both chronically online Westerners and ESL learners from India and various other Asian and African countries, I feel I end up being the straight man in any conversation.
We can also approach this from the opposite angle that people speak differently from me. Many nowadays use emoji (default or custom), emoticons, and GIFs to express their emotions and cute personalities. Although I attempted to use emoticons, they felt too much like arbitrary, unnecessary appendages so I eventually stopped using them. Moreover, in a fast-paced conversation, GIFs tend to feel out of place—I also noticed that I subconsciously avoided anime GIFs, preferring instead live-action cat scenes or gaming clips, perhaps in an attempt to seem more real.
A male-identifying (and AMAB) acquaintance suggested that he was often mistaken as a girl not just because of his use of emoticons, but because he talked in a ‘faggot’-like way about his hobbies that can be perceived as feminine by some; he added that he usually tried to talk in a relativist manner. Another mentioned that although I was blunt, they wouldn’t consider me to be ‘hard’ (but then again, I disagreed with them or at least misunderstood them on other matters, so I don’t think that’s very helpful). I think that although I generally try to avoid insulting others or saying anything with negative connotations, mental exhaustion, various emotions, and fear of argument has led me to become a lot more blunt and dry, almost defensive, in how I speak.
Perhaps there’s a difference between being female and feminine. The former implies something common to anybody who identifies as female (or, depending on your interpretation, born as female or taking estrogen), and discussing that would feel vaguely sexist. The latter implies an attribute or set of attributes that is merely associated with the female gender (and I use “gender” in the wider gender-studies sense rather than exclusively to people who identify as such). I have talked to a wide range of females, including those who have been mistaken as males, and trying to learn more from them would be impossible because people are different. At risk of sounding cliche, it’d be like putting a bunch of chefs from different cuisines in a kitchen and telling them to make an objectively perfect (or objectively feminine, anyway) meal. With that in mind, I present a reference: pseudonym Nayuta (named after a character in a GIF she once sent). Although I won’t share any conversations due to privacy concerns (I am not currently in contact with her), I interpret her style to be expressive. She often used onomatopoeia to express her emotions, e.g., ‘waaah’, and italicised lone verbs in a sort of quasi-roleplay, e.g., ‘smiled’ or ‘cried’. Moreover, she also extended or capitalised certain words where appropriate, often heart-reacted (as Nitro gives you unlimited Super Reactions), and often sent cute GIFs. From a structural perspective, I would argue that she presented messages as her thoughts came without—as I do—seeking to communicate something by organising the structure of it, though I don’t want to overstep and claim to know her thought process or her style.
There are also other explanations. As mentioned above, various factors involved with subconscious negativity tend to reflect in my messages. I attribute this at least in part to my confusion over whom I’m supposed to be, as people’s expectation of sincerity stifles me. I’m currently on a break from Discord, but I don’t know if that’s a viable long-term solution, especially as people expect me back. For now, I’ve changed my display name, and changed my profile picture to a decisively feminine image of Mayu by haison (sfw, e-hentai). I’m considering practising my social skills online in other servers, consciously adapting my speech patterns to appear cuter and presenting a generally consistent and better persona. Perhaps then I’ll fulfill my new display name: une proie, a prey.
